How NDT helped me and my dad

[Mel]

Hey NDTers:-)

I'm Mel and I have an 8-9 month old pup called Bindi. I'd like to share how NDT helped me solve a human problem last week. If there was any doubt in my mind about NDT, well, it’s gone now!

BTW sorry I haven't introduced myself in the forum as is the custom! For now I'll just say that one November morning last year, I said to myself, "Oh if only I had a dog my life would be complete!" Later, I found Bindi wandering around in my neighborhood and I brought her home! Yay! But the fun lasted 3 days after which I was bitten, bruised and I was so fearful of this little pup. I didn't want to give her up to the SPCA as they’d probably put her down. Desperate, I found Kevin's website, wrote to him on FB and his response alone, to me a total stranger, gave me the hope and courage to keep Bindi and train with her.

So back to the human problem! I have a love-hate relationship with my dad. Anyone resonating with this? NO ONE gets me more angry than him! So angry that I almost instantly cry and have to step away from him. Growing up and even as an adult, I’ve never been able to reason with him, so I just shut up.

Bindi my girl reflects my conflicted feelings towards my father. She is very attracted to him, but wants to bite him too! Kevin wrote on his site that what we say about the dog we are really saying about our heart. So when I noticed that I was overprotective of her, in not wanting my dad to play with her or bring her over my parent’s home, I realized I was actually protecting my own heart from my father.

One day, I was pushing with Bindi at a post and my dad happened to come by. He’d been concerned about my stress with her, and curious about NDT, so he sat several meters away to watch us. Sang had encouraged me to push Bindi in situations where her triggers were found (kids, cars etc). So I thought this was great! Bindi was triggered by my dad, right? So we were pushing, speaking, tugging. She was very energized by my dad. Man, was I out of breath putting the pressure on her, my hand in her face, pushing her butt. But it hit me that my dad was really MY own trigger and it felt like Bindi was doing the pushing exercise back to me! As we pushed each other, I wondered why my dad gets me so angry, when anger and rage is what I fear/hate most about his personality.

Later, I wrote to my brother to tell him about this incident. He grew up facing the brunt of my dad’s temper and was punished a lot. However, he has since apologized to my brother.

A few days later, my brother wrote back, “Funny thing. I dreamt I was fighting with dad. You tore off his arm and threw it into the lake.” I laughed because it rang true; even though it was morbid and graphic, it showed we both had “the charge” put in us by him and it was still unresolved.

But an even weirder thing was that my dad was suffering an incredible pain in his arm that week. He couldn’t sleep for days. My brother didn’t know so this didn’t influence his dream. I hadn’t really thought it very much because it’s nothing out of the ordinary, old folks do have aches now and then.

When I bumped into my dad the next day, and he was updating me about his arm, a lightbulb went up: I TORE OFF MY DAD’S ARM (metaphysically, anyway) AND THAT’S WHY HE’S IN PAIN! Of course I didn’t tell him though. You have to know my mom and I thought this connection was painfully funny in a tragic-comedy kind of way. My brother encouraged me to talk to dad about the anger and rage I have and the dream as it might heal our relationship somewhat. My mom and husband said, no don’t tell him; he’d be sad or he wouldn’t understand NDT. My fear was that he would be angry with me.

So I was two minds about it. I thought I’d just come to terms with this anger thing within myself.

Meanwhile my dad’s arm got worse. Bindi started to bark in a high-pitch voice late at night. I took her out, gave her bones to chew on, pushed in my PJs. It didn’t help. At the risk of “spoiling” her, I slept in the living room with her and she settled. I was just too tired. Night #4 and counting…

I knew from NDT that Bindi’s barking meant that she was expressing stuff I was not saying. This stuck energy in me about my dad did not feel good to her. And she was letting me know very LOUDLY, very PERSISTENTLY!

During that period, I was at a meditation group and one image that I was given was of a sword. I prayed that I wouldn’t be devoured by the sword; I did not want rage/anger consume me anymore.

Sorry this is such a long story!

Spurred by Bindi’s high-pitched late night barking, lack of sleep, and by my dad’s debilitating shoulder pain, it was time to give my dad back his arm I tore off. Maybe it wouldn’t help heal his arm, but what the heck I need to resolve this whole rage thing with him once and for all!

In short, I had THE TALK with my father. It started out lighthearted with the dream and that I tore off his arm. He pretended to swat me in slow motion. As I talked about Bindi and what she was mirroring in me, I stood there crying and talking. My mom said ‘Let it out. Let it out.’ My dad? He just sat there in astonishment. For more than 30+ years, I kept my mouth shut, but the anger just grew in me. Growing up he was unreasonable. The more I said the more he’d get mad. So I learnt to stuff things down out of fear. But that day, he listened.

And you know what? Later he hugged me and for the first time, he apologized, “I’m sorry for all the heartache I caused you. I really did not know.” Then he cooked me lunchJ

For me the real test for NDT was whether Bindi would stop her high-pitch barking THAT VERY NIGHT.

Guess what. I slept in my own bed that night. And my dad’s arm got better.

The lesson is: listen to your dog!

[Chris]

Thank you so much for sharing that story with us, just amazing, you are so right that we need to listen to our dogs.

[Sang]

Thanks so much for sharing this Mel. I know we don't know each other all that well, but based on all of our discussions, I have to say that I'm really proud of you. It's not easy to confront those who have hurt us, and though we may hold back believing that we don't want to make them feel bad about it, so often they didn't even know what they were doing. Bringing it to light and helping them see how much they hurt us helps heal not just your own wounds, but theirs as well. I'm so happy you found the courage to take that step. You've got a big heart, as Bindi is showing you.

[Mel]

Thank you, Sang, for all your en-COURAGE-ment and help! I do have a fearful heart, and Bindi is really helping to make my life more complete, more whole.

Neil, what you said to me was very powerful and I'd like to pass on the wisdom you shared:

"Sometimes there's a part of you that's still hanging on to the pain as way of protecting you. That part has your best interests at heart, of course. But it might not be a particularly relevant way of keeping you safe any more. If you told that part of you that their job was done - what would that part of you move on to do - how would you use that energy for your own good? For the greater good?

And forgiveness. Forgiveness of those who have wronged us is truly the most powerful tool we have to heal. And the best part is that it comes entirely from within us. It comes from our strength, and it contributes to our strength."

[rudy]

Hi Mel!

That is fabulous! Please keep us up to date on how things go w/ Bindi from here!

So glad you are getting some sleep

[Margot]

Originally Posted by Mel

Hey NDTers:-)

The lesson is: listen to your dog!

Always!!

Thanks for telling us about that extraordinary experience.

How wonderful that your father responded as he did.

I also like your quote of Neils very wise words - I will meditate on them today.