Being true to yourself/trusting your dog's good nature....

[Chris]

Originally Posted by ellesbell

chris - it's incredibly encouraging to hear that you were able to rewire that "dominance" thinking after twenty years!

LOL Believe me, it will most likely be 'work in progress' for a very long time. What do they say about teaching an old dog new tricks

Just a thought for you, I used to get so wound up about walking in many spots due to doggie encounters I'd avoid even going. So I spent some time finding spots were the chances of meeting another dog were very low. At times we might drive for 20-30 mins out of town but it's well worth it because then Ty and I learn how to have relaxed walk and fun on our walks. The other day I felt up to going to the paddocks were lots of dogs could be, I was on alert and yeah we saw a dog twice and both times I was able to get a push out of Ty ( I was rapped). I'm sure it went so well because we've both had so many relaxed walks I was so much more chilled and able to deal with it when we saw the dog. So if you can for a while maybe find somewhere to walk were you won't have the situations that upsets your dog and you'll both get more into the habit of what a relaxed walk feels like.

[donnieo]

only yesterday, as i repeated again, "i trust in my dog's good nature" it dawned on me that its not my DOG'S nature that i don't trust. i do know, deep down, that tigger is a great dog and wants to give me his energy in positive ways.

it's me.

It's these realisations that will help you.

I was just recently reminded of this. Yesterday my training with Jinxsie didn't go very well, mainly because I pushed her too hard and tried to get more from her than she was willing to give me. Today, while I was walking my partner's dog Yoshi I was really trying to think about why I don't let her quit when she's had enough. I recently re-read an article from Lee's Psychology Today blog (How Man Creates Dog in His Own Image, Part III | Psychology Today) and I was thinking about some advice Lee gave me (Whenever you're uncertain about what to do, ask yourself 3 questions: 1) Where is this energy coming from? 2) Where is it trying to go? 3) What, if anything, is it telling me about myself?) and something Neil said earlier in this thread (If you're focused completely on the result you're after (like, say, a calm happy walk) then it's possible that you're missing what is happening in the moment).

The realisations that I came to was that often when Jinxsie loses focus I start to feel stress about my personal ambition to change my career and become a professional dog trainer. I get so wrapped up in this that I lose sight of what's happening in the moment and instead of going with the flow I try harder to get her back in a training mood. I'm not struggling against her, I'm struggling against what I find to be the unfulfilling job I'm in. I also realised that this need to keep working her goes even deeper: as a child, my father would never let me quit things that I was unhappy doing (boy scouts and then army cadets are the big examples). If I joined something, I had to stay with it no matter what. The way this has manifested in my adult life is abruptly quitting jobs or other activities the second they lost their enjoyment. This is also why I don't let Jinxsie quit even when it's clear she's done working: it's a psycho-drama, where I'm my dad and Jinxsie is me.

When I brought Jinxsie out today we didn't do any training, just playing ball, tug, pushing and wrestling around. Before she got tired of pushing I'd toss the ball around, and then we'd take a break or do something else fun. She kept her focus for way longer than she did yesterday. It gave me the sense of success that I felt when she redirected from that squirrel the other day and it was a good reminder to stay connected to the present.

[Sang]

These are all such great realizations. Once you finally understand it’s not about your dog at all, it’s about you, that’s when things really start to shift. So great to hear about you coming to realize just how much your past is influencing your present day experience.

And the wonderful thing about that realization, is now that you are experiencing what it feels like to have your past influence your present, and are conscious about it, you now know exactly what your dog is experiencing when she sees a squirrel, gets excited and reacts to another dog, or if your dog is afraid of strangers, starts barking at them on sight. Because that very same feeling you felt in your job Donnie? Where you feel so unfulfilled and you have this feeling that needs resolution? That feeling was, as you pointed out, put into you as a child. And now, when you are confronted with situations or experiences that trigger that past emotional memory, you start to feel unsettled and unbalanced, and need to find a “way out”. What you’re looking for is to resolve that unresolved feeling. That emotion and energy that never got resolved when you were a child. We all go through it, every day. But if you choose to let it drive you instead of the other way around, then you start doing things that may not be in your best interest. Just as your dog will do things that may not be in her best interest either, but because she feels unsettled and unbalanced, due to the unresolved feelings she is experiencing, she too will start to look for a “way out” of that feeling. And just like with ourselves, the way out so often isn’t the best course of action. Especially since dogs have no choice but to let their feelings drive their actions.

So kudos to you for having such a profound realization. That kind of understanding is really going to help you make a big shift into changing your relationship with your dog. Until you can find peace in your current job and situation, no other job, even your “dream” job, will ever offer you what you’re looking for. Because until that unresolved emotion you’ve carried with you from childhood finds resolution, you will always be looking for the “way out”. There’s no rush. Life isn’t a race, and you will get to where you want to go when you’re ready. Your dog will give you more when she’s ready. But there’s no need to rush her, just as there’s no need to rush yourself either. Dogs always mirror back to us what we need to see, if you aren’t afraid to open your eyes.

[neilsattin]

I'm sitting with what Sang just wrote...really appreciating the contribution to the conversation.

OK. Breathe. Now...

Here are a couple observations that I'd like to add, if they're not too distracting:

When I brought Jinxsie out today we didn't do any training, just playing ball, tug, pushing and wrestling around. Before she got tired of pushing I'd toss the ball around, and then we'd take a break or do something else fun. She kept her focus for way longer than she did yesterday. It gave me the sense of success that I felt when she redirected from that squirrel the other day and it was a good reminder to stay connected to the present.

It's worth noting that what you did actually was training. The funner the better, I like to say. I've noticed that frequently in my in-person sessions, a major breakthrough for clients is realizing that training doesn't have to be "regimented" or always results-driven. I often introduce little improvisation exercises, because really it is about, as you said, staying connected to the present, and keeping things playful/dynamic. As I said earlier, it's the process that eventually gets you the results you're after.

I also realised that this need to keep working her goes even deeper: as a child, my father would never let me quit things that I was unhappy doing (boy scouts and then army cadets are the big examples). If I joined something, I had to stay with it no matter what. The way this has manifested in my adult life is abruptly quitting jobs or other activities the second they lost their enjoyment. This is also why I don't let Jinxsie quit even when it's clear she's done working: it's a psycho-drama, where I'm my dad and Jinxsie is me.

As you can probably tell from this site (and my eponymous site), I have a rather broad range of interests. And I like to pursue them with passion. That can be problematic, particularly when I'm trying to pursue more than one or two at a time. My father used to also emphasize the need to stick with something. I can even hear his voice saying something like "If you never choose something, then you'll never be good at anything."

Clearly my father, and your father, had a positive intent behind their actions. The irony, in terms of my father, is that he did teach me to make choices. And to value my commitment to the choices that I made. I just refused to accept that one choice had to exclude other choices - at least when it came to pursuing passions (as obviously choices, by their nature, close doors of possibility just as they open doors of possibility). For me, that has led me to a series of moments of synthesis and clarity that might never have happened if I had just focused on one thing.

So what gift did your father give you? While I encourage you to think about this question and come up with answers for yourself (as it sounds like you probably already are doing), some things that occur to me in reading your words are:

• Knowing how to stay committed to choices - even when they're difficult paths to maintain (as even the road to pursuing your passion as a dog trainer will undoubtedly have some chances for you to have your enthusiasm and desire tested)
• Recognizing within yourself what you truly want to do - and knowing when something isn't in alignment with where you ultimately want to be. As an adult, you have seen that you actually do have "power" over your situation, to make changes as you see fit.

These gifts seem incredibly valuable to me, as they have helped forge an even stronger bond with your inner, intuitive voice - and given you the determination that you will need as you pursue whatever choice(s) you ultimately make.

To quote Sang -

And just like with ourselves, the way out so often isn’t the best course of action.

The way "in", on the other hand...

[donnieo]

Sang and Neil;

Both of your comments have really helped me gain a lot of insight. Thanks so much, once again.

Until you can find peace in your current job and situation, no other job, even your “dream” job, will ever offer you what you’re looking for. Because until that unresolved emotion you’ve carried with you from childhood finds resolution, you will always be looking for the “way out”.

Since reading this, and then really ingesting it, I actually have found a bit more peace. To quote my all-time favourite movie, I (Heart) Huckabees: "everything you could ever want and ever be you already have and are". I already am a dog trainer: I'm training my own dog every minute of every day. I also have a degree of stability in my current career that, if I focus, will give me the means to move forward onto another path.

It's worth noting that what you did actually was training. The funner the better, I like to say. I've noticed that frequently in my in-person sessions, a major breakthrough for clients is realizing that training doesn't have to be "regimented" or always results-driven.

This is something that I am constantly forgetting, and then am reminded of. Thanks for reminding me once again!

So what gift did your father give you? While I encourage you to think about this question and come up with answers for yourself (as it sounds like you probably already are doing), some things that occur to me in reading your words are:

Knowing how to stay committed to choices - even when they're difficult paths to maintain (as even the road to pursuing your passion as a dog trainer will undoubtedly have some chances for you to have your enthusiasm and desire tested)

Recognizing within yourself what you truly want to do - and knowing when something isn't in alignment with where you ultimately want to be. As an adult, you have seen that you actually do have "power" over your situation, to make changes as you see fit.

These gifts seem incredibly valuable to me, as they have helped forge an even stronger bond with your inner, intuitive voice - and given you the determination that you will need as you pursue whatever choice(s) you ultimately make.

I guess that while I'm not struggling against my dog's nature, I should also stop struggling against my own.....

[rudy]

ellesbell,

I know just how you feel...

Earlier I had actual nightmares about having Lou out somewhere and we had some kind of equipment failure - his leash snaps, or the collar breaks as he lunges cujo-like after a kid on a bike...

Knowing that this is a possibility in reality, it makes it hard to relax when I'm out with him. I'm always on guard and considering Lou has relaxation problems of his own, he needs for me to be relaxed. The local trainer I've worked with called me hyper-active so this is something Lou and I need to tackle together.

I've upgraded our equipment to avoid failure. I tell myself things like, "I know what to do and I am doing it". And to keep myself calm I tell the dogs fairytales as we walk.

I trust in the good nature of my dog - I see it every day. I do not trust that my dog will make good choices - or that I will. Ex: Lou has stopped barking at my house guest and doesn't act interested in him at all. Is it safe for me to let Lou greet him? If I don't let Lou greet new people how will he learn that they are safe or even pleasant? How can I move forward and still keep everyone safe?

I can also tell you that this stuff works. It WORKS! Lou actually turns and looks at me when I call his name now. We just spent a morning out in the woods and Lou kept an eye on me - he kept checking in with me! The redirection is working - just knowing that I can get his attention and get him to look at me means that I can keep him from getting into a cujo-state and I can keep people around me safe. And knowing all that will, over time, help me to trust him and trust myself and we'll both be able to relax more and more.

[neilsattin]

Hi Rudy,

Thanks for sharing your experience here, and I'm glad to hear about the progress that you're seeing.

You ask:

If I don't let Lou greet new people how will he learn that they are safe or even pleasant? How can I move forward and still keep everyone safe?

You're right, that you need to let Lou get closer and closer to his threshold, to the triggering moments, and experience SUCCESS, so that he'll ultimately be able to face the moments when he's most fearful and experience success.

You move forward and keep everyone safe by doing two things:

1. Maintain control over the circumstances by keeping Lou on leash, and by conducting experiments with "guests" who are prepared, in advance, so they know that they might experience a friendly meet-and-greet OR cujo. But that it's all in the service of helping cujo relax, succeed, and disappear. i.e. no judgment of you or Lou.
2. Be prepared to stay relaxed even in the face of cujo. Those are the moments when you have to still praise Lou and help him relax through the fear. You do that by, again, praising, and waiting for your opportunity to redirect - push/tug with Lou, and get him back into the zone, focused on you, and on a reliable way to actually resolve stress and energy.

As you praise, instead of thinking that you're praising "the aggression", think of it as if you're reassuring Lou that he's safe showing you the deepest parts of his soul. And then, through the push/tug, it's as if you're saying "it's ok, you were just a little confused about what to do with all that energy. HERE'S what you do with it."

Everyone stays relaxed, and experiences some release and relief. Keep us posted, of course!

[jojo]

I've thought before that reassurance is a better description than praise for this. I was criticized by someone who told me I was rewarding a bad dog once, of course when I tried to explain that the dog was not bad but needed reassurance they still argued.

This is before I discovered NDT, but when I first adopted my dog (who was an anxious biter) I would have him on leash, and have people who came in toss him a treat. I kept a plate of dehydrated liver or browned beef bits near the door, something I knew he loved. Unlike other dogs that never had anxiety issues, Remy is always happy to see a person in uniform since many of those first treat tossers were UPS or FedEx deliverymen or the postman. So, I don't know if that's the NDT way to deal with things, but for us it did seem very helpful.

As time went on I became more and more confident I could tell when Remy was feeling anxious and I trusted myself to interpret his body language and decide if he could interact with someone. Since he didn't growl or bark much, it seemed tough at first but later it seemed so obvious, that I did trust my judgment as well as my dog.